Loved

I just need to spew. Not even sure how this is going to come out. After 8 long years of investing in one particular student, tracking her whereabouts from foster home to foster home, camps, retreats, one on one mentor appointments...she shows up today to our lunch appointment, with a baby! What? Really? I just saw you 5 months ago.

She lives in the Upper Peninsula now, so we don't regularly visit except probably 2-3 times a year when she comes down to visit. O.K., she's almost 21, not a kid anymore...but, really? Then the details follow, the Father is no longer in the picture (surprise) and she already has another boyfriend. This guy has no job, no driver's license, and they started dating as soon as the baby was born. Really? All that is within me wanted to scream, partially at her, but more just scream. Instead, I held her baby and we gushed over the miracle of little toes and hands. Then I got in the car and wanted go put my resignation in...rapid thoughts enter my brain - "what am I doing this for? no difference is being made! the cycle of brokenness continues, what happened to all the goals we set during our one hundred mentoring appointments?"

Then, I took a deep breath and called my Mom. We landed on that this now 20 something former student of mine just wants to "be loved." But, but, but, I told her she was loved. God loves her. Didn't she or doesn't she know that? Can't she experience that? Did she or does she not fully understand?

I don't have the answers. I have lots of questions. I feel unequipped lots of days to do my job. Today is one of them.

I'm definitely not looking for pity. I just need to unload my thoughts. There, I did it.

On that note...vacation, here I am.